Thursday, August 25, 2011

HOLY crap!

Today I had a "blind" man come to the house to repair the string mechanism on one of the blinds.  He seemed nice enough.  Introduced himself as Ed and was nice to my dog, Rue.  "I see you're moving, " he says, "where to?"  "San Francisco area." 
Now I've heard a lot of things come out of people's mouths when I let them know where we are moving, but this one is the hands down winner.  "Are you a christian?" he asks.  Not thinking there's a really good way to respond,  I decide right then and there to play along, b/c, a) I'm bored and this could be fun and b) I don't want to hear the *you need to be saved* schpeel that is sure to come if I say I'm not a *christian.*  
Perhaps a better question would be "Are you polite?"  given that he has just met me, is in my house to do a service, and is asking me this highly invasive question.   So, I say "Sure am."  I know I'm lying to this man, but he's being ruder than I can imagine by asking me this question, so my lying is perfectly justifiable.  
I have to wonder how he would feel if I walked into his house to clean his windows and the first thing I asked him was "Are you a heathen?"  Just a thought as he begins to warn me of the *evil liberals* lurking out there in good old California.  "You must keep a close eye on your children there, especially if they go to #public school#."  He said this as if it were truly on the road to hell.  Sooooo glad I didn't let him know I was one of those crazy public school teachers, he probably wouldn't have fixed my blind then.
I reminded him that it wasn't OK to teach religion or politics in a public school setting.  But, he shook his head in disbelief and continued, "They SAY they don't teach that liberalism, that it's OK for 2 men to live in sin, or 2 women to live in sin, but they DO teach it.  That's why if you send your children to public school you must volunteer and be IN the classrooms as much as possible to police the situation."  I assured him that we would be looking into private school (lie #2) to which he was very relieved for both me and my poor children.  
WOW-ZA!!  Apparently Rush Limbaugh has a brother and his name is Ed and he is in my kitchen right fucking now!  
Finally my blind was fixed and I paid him $15 that I earned spreading liberalism to the children of St. Charles County and hoped he would be on his way.  But, nope, not that easy.  He packed up his gear and I thanked him for his time.  "May I say a prayer for your house and your family before I leave?"  "By all means," hell, I've put up with your holy crap this long.  I hope I can remember his prayer (I peeked at him while he was saying it and tried very hard not to snicker).  
"Dear Lord, please bless this house and send a *christian* buyer here under your gentle guidance, so that this family can leave without worrying that their beautiful home will lie in the hands of those who don't follow your word.  Please watch over them in California so that they will not be fooled by the liberal evil that is so easily welcomed there.  Amen"
I may have missed a few words but that was the gist of it.  I don't think I will EVER be the same after that!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Where the heck are the protein bars?

Shopping for groceries today, ho hum, ho hum.  I had a list and thoroughly enjoyed crossing my items off as I placed them in my cart (I'm a freak like that).  Apparently, though, there would be no crossing off of the strawberries today.  I went around the produce section multiple times, thinking surely I missed them.  But, no.  No strawberries.  There are always strawberries.  Fine, not gonna ruin my shopping experience.  After all, I'm at the grocery store at 2:00 p.m. on a *school day.*  NICE! 
Next item, protein bars.  Not just any protein bars.  My kids like the Special K protein bars.  Every store I go to either keeps them in an odd, out of the way spot, or just does not carry them.  I know what you're thinking, "there is a protein bar section" and there is.  But, they are not there.  Cereal bars, not there either.  They have the protein-less Special K bars there, but not the protein kind.  For the love of Pete!!! It's like "Where's Waldo" at Shop N Save.   Finally I found them in section.  Really??  WTF? I only found them there b/c I was looking for benedryl.  Do other people have as much trouble as I do finding certain things at the grocery store?  
Anywho, paid and out to my van I go.  Putting them in the back and the cart starts to roll down the parking lot.  Why would you build a grocery store parking lot on a slope?  Just to make my day a little more interesting?  Well, thankseversoverymuch!  I wedged the cart in a way that I was sure it was secure. NOPE!  Now I pull it back and put my foot on the bottom as I'm unloading the bags.  This could be an olympic sport for women.  Did I mention it's 100 flipping degrees outside?  
I looked great once I got in the van and blasted on the AC.  On my way home I made up a song.  It was about protein bars and parking lots and had lots of four letter words in it.  

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Blog virgin

OK, here I go...blogging.  Hmmm, I guess I'll start with the title.  I like stories, don't you?  NOT boring ass stories, like "He said OMG!" and I was all like "I don't think so, ya know?"  The youth today can NOT tell a good story (in my opinion).  I'm not always going to say that *in my opinion* thing, b/c it's MY blog, therefore my opinion.  So, that's the only time I'll do that.  I like a good story, something that really happened but is just so funny that you have to share it.  That is what  I propose this blog will  be.  But, don't hold me to that.  The title may sound familiar to you.  Rob Lowe (hotty, McHot Hot that he is), has a book out with roughly the same title.  But his is a book, mine is a blog.  He is a hot actor who made some mistakes in the 80's.  I am just an everyday gal who also made several mistakes in the 80's (not to mention the 90's).  Plus, I think his book title isn't quite accurate, given that he's published and all.  But, I digress.  So this is just a "HELLO, welcome to my blog!"  I hope you can find a minute or two each week to read it.  If not, then I guess you are  NOT one of my *closest friends.*  Poor you!