Stories I Only Tell My Closest Friends: Things I've Learned from My Dog

If you hear about a crazy woman in the East bay area who walks (and I use that term loosely) her dog and talks (maybe yells sometimes) to said dog, you can rest easy knowing it's me. We all talk about training our dogs. I call bullshit on that! My dog has trained me. I took Rue to puppy school when we first got her. We went for 8 weeks. She takes my ass to school every day. She would like to share with all of you the things she has taught me, her human.

Lesson number one: You are not "going for a walk." You are taking me to every single tree and plant I want to sniff between here and the dog park. Never you mind that I've already peed 4 times and pooped twice. That is irrelevant. These trees smell VERY different from the way they smelled yesterday and I MUST investigate!

Lesson number two: Yes, actually, I AM a princess, thank you very much! And, yes, princesses sometimes CHOOSE to eat rabbit poo. It is considered a delicacy in some countries. Which countries? I don't know, again, IRRELEVANT. Stupid human.

Lesson number three: I KNOW the way to the mailboxes. I realize we go a different direction if you need to get the mail than if we are just going for a sniff, er, I mean walk. And, to answer your question, I don't LIKE to do my business on the way TO the mailbox. I prefer to do it on the way back, when you have lots of mail in your hands. I think it's cute how you have to put the mail on the ground and get out the little poo bag and pick up my poo (we'll get to this little gem in lesson number four). If the mail flies away due to wind, ALL the more fun! I'm TRYING to make the trip a little more interesting. You can thank me later.

Lesson number four: What do you do with all that poo, anyway? Are you collecting it to build a sculpture? I bet my poo is considered a delicacy in some countries.

Lesson number five: If you EVEN think you are going to sit there on the couch with that stupid machine and that I'm going to stay down here on the cold floor, you are seriously DERANGED!! Scoot over woman. Actually, that machine is really warm too. What are you doing on there that's SO important? What's "Words with Friends?" Put that thing away and pet my belly. There you go. Good human!